Healing

I guess I could say I'm feeling a bit better, physically anyway. The hard part is trying to get back to the real world. I can't hide under the covers forever. I need to start doing everyday things again. I bathed M last night and we had a ball, giggling and laughing. We made rain showers and splashed water everywhere. Normally, I would have stopped it long before as it was soaking our entire bathroom, but last night I didn't care. I needed those few minutes where everything else was forgotten and all we felt was pure joy. I no longer feel the need to cry at ever single instance that reminds me of being pregnant, but I walk along feeling like I have a rock in my stomach. Something at the pit of my stomach that won't go away.

It's almost like I've convinced myself that I never was pregnant, that it was a dream or something. Is that your body's way of trying to protect you or something? It's literally been 2 days and already I'm almost fitting back into regular clothes. Something that took weeks to get out of, reverts almost instantly. The belly is gone and I no longer look like I'm pregnant.

It will get better, I know it will. But everyone thinks time will just go on and I'll forget about it and get pregnant with another baby. That's not fair. They don't know that it was a life that we created that is gone. I need to honor that life. I know how and we will when the time comes and that will help us both to heal and have closure and move on but never forget the little butterfly baby that we lost.

In the hospital, I said a prayer with the chaplain and made sure that the little soul had made its way to heaven which I'm pretty sure angel babies instantly do. I know her little soul is safe with God. And I know God will help me to heal too.