Today as I pulled out the vacuum to clean up, M said completely out of the blue and in these exact words...
"Why? Who's coming over?"
Really, I do clean more often than when company is coming over, really I do.
Friday, October 30, 2009
Thursday, October 29, 2009
If you could live anywhere in the world, where would it be?
If you could live anywhere in the world, where would you be?
This is where I would be.
The hills are green, there is a mist in the air and not a car for miles and miles. I was lucky enough to visit this place called Gimmewald, Switzerland in 2003.
I have never felt such peace in my life as I did sitting on the edge of this little meadow, gazing into the mountains afar and the valley below.
Now granted, at some point, I would want to take the train back to civilization and get a Starbucks or something, but I would love a little mountain hideway, way, way up.
Someday, little Gimmewald, you and I will meet again!
This is where I would be.
The hills are green, there is a mist in the air and not a car for miles and miles. I was lucky enough to visit this place called Gimmewald, Switzerland in 2003.
I have never felt such peace in my life as I did sitting on the edge of this little meadow, gazing into the mountains afar and the valley below.
Now granted, at some point, I would want to take the train back to civilization and get a Starbucks or something, but I would love a little mountain hideway, way, way up.
Someday, little Gimmewald, you and I will meet again!
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
The H1N1 Debate
Disclaimer: I completely respect the opinions and decisions of all parents as to whether or not to vaccinate their kids. Below is solely written based upon my experience and opinions.
Should I? Shouldn't I? Should I? Shouldn't I?
Remember when you played that game where you picked the petals? That's how I was feeling for the last while. Not sure whether or not we should get the flu shots.
In the end, we did get the shots... yesterday.
My decision weighed on a few things.
There have always been and will always be cases of people who have bad reactions to flu shots. I have read everything about things that can happen now, things that can happen later, etc. etc.
I would not intentionally give my child a medication or vaccine needlessly unless I thought there was a very good reason to.
Yes, the H1N1 is just a flu strain. But a nasty one. And I don't want to get it and be off work for a month. And I don't want to have a child who ends up in the hospital. So for me, the risk is greater that that could happen considering how easily it can be transmitted in the air through droplets when you don't even realize they are there. And even though my child doesn't go out much. It would only take one trip to the park or to the shopping mall to potentially catch it.
Cross my fingers. I hope that this isn't the case for us or anyone else. But who knows what the reality will be.
I have been informed from all sides I think:
~ I've read every article I've seen, watched all the TV posts, read about all the claims that the swine flu was developed by the government for population control, watched how it may cause neurological disorders. You name it, I watched and noted.
~ I spoke with my naturopathic doctor. Her opinion was that your body can fight it off itself.
~ I spoke to Matthew's pediatrician. He felt that he's seen cases in the city with really sick kids and parents have to weigh the risks of the shot vs the risks of getting the flu.
~ I spoke with an aquaintance who is an immunologist. She knows the science facts down to the details and studied them enough to get a master's in well, vaccines. She was vaccinating her kids ASAP.
~ I spoke with doctor's in the family who say most likely you will recover fine, but it's nasty and with little kids, you just don't know what their little bodies will do.
I saw how sick we all got last year and how sick poor little M was from just a regular old flu.
For me, the risk that M could get hospitalized outweighs the chance that something could happen from the vaccine. For this year, anyway. In another year, with milder strains, I might not choose to get him vaccinated. We didn't last year. But we did this year.
Should I? Shouldn't I? Should I? Shouldn't I?
Remember when you played that game where you picked the petals? That's how I was feeling for the last while. Not sure whether or not we should get the flu shots.
In the end, we did get the shots... yesterday.
My decision weighed on a few things.
There have always been and will always be cases of people who have bad reactions to flu shots. I have read everything about things that can happen now, things that can happen later, etc. etc.
I would not intentionally give my child a medication or vaccine needlessly unless I thought there was a very good reason to.
Yes, the H1N1 is just a flu strain. But a nasty one. And I don't want to get it and be off work for a month. And I don't want to have a child who ends up in the hospital. So for me, the risk is greater that that could happen considering how easily it can be transmitted in the air through droplets when you don't even realize they are there. And even though my child doesn't go out much. It would only take one trip to the park or to the shopping mall to potentially catch it.
Cross my fingers. I hope that this isn't the case for us or anyone else. But who knows what the reality will be.
I have been informed from all sides I think:
~ I've read every article I've seen, watched all the TV posts, read about all the claims that the swine flu was developed by the government for population control, watched how it may cause neurological disorders. You name it, I watched and noted.
~ I spoke with my naturopathic doctor. Her opinion was that your body can fight it off itself.
~ I spoke to Matthew's pediatrician. He felt that he's seen cases in the city with really sick kids and parents have to weigh the risks of the shot vs the risks of getting the flu.
~ I spoke with an aquaintance who is an immunologist. She knows the science facts down to the details and studied them enough to get a master's in well, vaccines. She was vaccinating her kids ASAP.
~ I spoke with doctor's in the family who say most likely you will recover fine, but it's nasty and with little kids, you just don't know what their little bodies will do.
I saw how sick we all got last year and how sick poor little M was from just a regular old flu.
For me, the risk that M could get hospitalized outweighs the chance that something could happen from the vaccine. For this year, anyway. In another year, with milder strains, I might not choose to get him vaccinated. We didn't last year. But we did this year.
Sunday, October 25, 2009
Healing
***Warning*** This is one of those posts that's intended for me, not you, so here's your out if you don't want to read... I am needing to write this morning.
For the most part, I feel much better. I feel like I am back to my regular self during the day. It's just at night, when I lay down to fall asleep, that that little weight plops itself right on my heart and just won't go away. I know, that still just takes time.
What worries me more though, is that I wake up at night with that same gut-wrenching feeling that I had that night, waking up at 3am and realizing that you're bleeding. I've never felt anything like it before. It is horrible. And it comes back to visit.
As much as I want to and know I will get pregnant again, I am scard to. I am scared that I won't enjoy the next pregnancy because I will worry about every single little twinge. I will be scared to experience that gut wrenching feeling again for real. I tell myself that chances are, everything will be fine next time. I tell myself that I felt twinges with M and he was perfectly fine. But I'm not sure I will believe myself. That, I'm just not sure how to fix.
For the most part, I feel much better. I feel like I am back to my regular self during the day. It's just at night, when I lay down to fall asleep, that that little weight plops itself right on my heart and just won't go away. I know, that still just takes time.
What worries me more though, is that I wake up at night with that same gut-wrenching feeling that I had that night, waking up at 3am and realizing that you're bleeding. I've never felt anything like it before. It is horrible. And it comes back to visit.
As much as I want to and know I will get pregnant again, I am scard to. I am scared that I won't enjoy the next pregnancy because I will worry about every single little twinge. I will be scared to experience that gut wrenching feeling again for real. I tell myself that chances are, everything will be fine next time. I tell myself that I felt twinges with M and he was perfectly fine. But I'm not sure I will believe myself. That, I'm just not sure how to fix.
Friday, October 23, 2009
No Nap?
I think yesterday was the first day in, well, as long as I can remember that M did not have a nap. I mean NO nap at all.. not even 2 minutes, and he did great! (But that sure doesn't mean we're no-napping from now on, no siree)
It was a no-nap day because we had an appointment with the pediatrician. In Alberta, you cannot walk into a pediatrician's office or book an appointment by yourself. No, you must be referred. So when they refer you, you don't dare tell them that you don't like the time they've given you.
Which then leads me to question, if you know a 2 year old is coming into the office, would you not know that at 1:40 in the afternoon they would be napping? Sheesh!
Anyhow, I was a bit concerned at first as usually M is fast asleep by 1pm. So, we headed out early and stopped at Safeway for lunch. Have you ever eaten at Safeway for lunch? I mean one of the good Safeways that have the Sandwiches and everything. Ours is especially yummy because it has freshly made sushi in the store and piping hot chinese food that is actually good!
Sorry, I digressed there. We ate a yummy lunch of sushi, chinese food and chocolate milk of course, which gave us enough energy to make it to the doctor's appointment. 3 potty stops later and we made it through!
But now it was 2:15 and he wasn't showing a sign of being tired. What to do? Chapter's was next door, so we went over to buy the Hallowe'en costume that I had been looking at for M. That took us darn near 45 minutes for some reason, and Mr. M was getting a tad bit cranky in the store. What to do?
Aha. Starbucks. you take a 2 year old to starbucks? uh huh. One chocolate banana smoothie and one gingerbread cookie later and we've had enough sugar to make it through the day. (I wouldn't recommend doing this on a daily basis though).
Got home and met half the cul-de-sac moms and kids playing outside, so M ran around and burned off a bit more.
Had a quick supper, then dashed off to swimming lessons. Mommy did lessons solo today (usually it's a team sport). Phew! It's hard work lifting up 35 pounds when they sing songs during the lessons and you're supposed to lift the kid out of the water like a rocket. My arms are feeling it today!
Sorry, digressed again. None the less, we made it home safe and sound, M went to bed without much issue and told me "I had a great sleep last night Mommy!" when he woke up today :O)
It was a no-nap day because we had an appointment with the pediatrician. In Alberta, you cannot walk into a pediatrician's office or book an appointment by yourself. No, you must be referred. So when they refer you, you don't dare tell them that you don't like the time they've given you.
Which then leads me to question, if you know a 2 year old is coming into the office, would you not know that at 1:40 in the afternoon they would be napping? Sheesh!
Anyhow, I was a bit concerned at first as usually M is fast asleep by 1pm. So, we headed out early and stopped at Safeway for lunch. Have you ever eaten at Safeway for lunch? I mean one of the good Safeways that have the Sandwiches and everything. Ours is especially yummy because it has freshly made sushi in the store and piping hot chinese food that is actually good!
Sorry, I digressed there. We ate a yummy lunch of sushi, chinese food and chocolate milk of course, which gave us enough energy to make it to the doctor's appointment. 3 potty stops later and we made it through!
But now it was 2:15 and he wasn't showing a sign of being tired. What to do? Chapter's was next door, so we went over to buy the Hallowe'en costume that I had been looking at for M. That took us darn near 45 minutes for some reason, and Mr. M was getting a tad bit cranky in the store. What to do?
Aha. Starbucks. you take a 2 year old to starbucks? uh huh. One chocolate banana smoothie and one gingerbread cookie later and we've had enough sugar to make it through the day. (I wouldn't recommend doing this on a daily basis though).
Got home and met half the cul-de-sac moms and kids playing outside, so M ran around and burned off a bit more.
Had a quick supper, then dashed off to swimming lessons. Mommy did lessons solo today (usually it's a team sport). Phew! It's hard work lifting up 35 pounds when they sing songs during the lessons and you're supposed to lift the kid out of the water like a rocket. My arms are feeling it today!
Sorry, digressed again. None the less, we made it home safe and sound, M went to bed without much issue and told me "I had a great sleep last night Mommy!" when he woke up today :O)
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
Monday, October 19, 2009
If he asks me this now.....
M is not even 2 1/2 yet but it seems like in the last month or so he has become a flurry of non-stop questions.
The questions come particularly at bedtime. And don't think that you can get away with ignoring him. He has no problem repeating the question for 2 minutes until you answer him!
So last night...
m: Where do Mommy's come from?
M: (thinking oh boy..) From Grandmas... When Mommy was a liiittttle baby, she was inside Grandma's tummy, just like you were inside Mommy's tummy.
m: So where did I come from?
M: You came from in Mommy's tummy.
m: How did I get out of your tummy?
M: Mommy's have a special place just for babies to come out.
m: Can I see it?
M: No!
m: How did I get into Mommy's tummy?
M: God put you there.
then we had silence for a few minutes. I feared what the heck he was pondering next.
And he said...
m: When I was a liiiitttle baby, God came down from the sky. He came into my house and came up the stairs into my room. He put me into your tummy!
uh huh, something like that....
The questions come particularly at bedtime. And don't think that you can get away with ignoring him. He has no problem repeating the question for 2 minutes until you answer him!
So last night...
m: Where do Mommy's come from?
M: (thinking oh boy..) From Grandmas... When Mommy was a liiittttle baby, she was inside Grandma's tummy, just like you were inside Mommy's tummy.
m: So where did I come from?
M: You came from in Mommy's tummy.
m: How did I get out of your tummy?
M: Mommy's have a special place just for babies to come out.
m: Can I see it?
M: No!
m: How did I get into Mommy's tummy?
M: God put you there.
then we had silence for a few minutes. I feared what the heck he was pondering next.
And he said...
m: When I was a liiiitttle baby, God came down from the sky. He came into my house and came up the stairs into my room. He put me into your tummy!
uh huh, something like that....
Sunday, October 18, 2009
Saturday, October 17, 2009
Friday, October 16, 2009
M, the cat whisperer.....
So the other day we were getting ready to go out somewhere and I could hear M muttering something over and over and could see that he was near one of the cats.
It sounded to me like he was saying "no one can take your purse, it's inside of you.." huh? This didn't make sense, but it seemed vaguely familiar to me for some reason. Then it clicked! He was reciting one of the lines from one of the stories we read, except he was saying,
"No one can take your purrr.. it's inside of you." ... from the story of the little cat who can't find his purr.
So I said, "Oh! No one can take your purr because it's inside of you... that's right M!"
To which he said, "Not you Mommy, Token! (the cat)"
And then it all made sense to me. He was over in the corner petting the cat and whispering to him "no one can take your purr.. it's inside of you."
Glad to know my cats can get therapy when they need it right here at home!
It sounded to me like he was saying "no one can take your purse, it's inside of you.." huh? This didn't make sense, but it seemed vaguely familiar to me for some reason. Then it clicked! He was reciting one of the lines from one of the stories we read, except he was saying,
"No one can take your purrr.. it's inside of you." ... from the story of the little cat who can't find his purr.
So I said, "Oh! No one can take your purr because it's inside of you... that's right M!"
To which he said, "Not you Mommy, Token! (the cat)"
And then it all made sense to me. He was over in the corner petting the cat and whispering to him "no one can take your purr.. it's inside of you."
Glad to know my cats can get therapy when they need it right here at home!
Bit by Bit
Today is a much better day than yesterday was.
When I went to see my doctor, she wanted me to be off work for a few weeks. She wanted to make sure that I was healed both physically and mentally before I went back to the grind of every day life. As she put it make sure there isn't a lot of "baggage" going back with you as well. So she gave me some tasks:
1) Take time for yourself. Grieve. Reflect. Think. Whatever. I have done that. I am trying to do that more often and regularly. Another lesson from all of this is to remember time for me.
2) Do something with your time that give you a sense of accomplishment. Positive endorphines help in the physical and emotional healing process. In other words, there are/were times for laying in bed watching 10 episodes of Grey's straight, but I couldn't do that forever.
So, I have two projects that are helping me quite a bit.
The first is to exercise every day. For two reasons. I can't wear maternity clothes forever and a miscarriage does this real cruel thing of leaving extra weight on your body that isn't as easy to get rid of as when you breastfeed. I also find that after I exercise, I feel so much better the rest of the day. The load on my heart is lightened just a bit and I can enjoy time with Matthew and have the energy to get the laundry done. I am on day 4 of exercising and it is working, so I will stick with it come hell or high water!
Second, I'm organizing. I don't know what the word or disesase is for a person like me, but I feel like the universe is lined up when things are organized. That certainly doesn't mean I'm good at keeping things organized. But, with each trick I learn, it gets easier and better. For some reason, the sense of accomplishment I feel after getting the pantry straightened out or filing our papers also makes my day go so much better.
So that's pretty much what I'm up to. M is becoming a very good organizer too... except while I'm organizing in one place, he's usually re-organizing something else for me at the same time :O)
When I went to see my doctor, she wanted me to be off work for a few weeks. She wanted to make sure that I was healed both physically and mentally before I went back to the grind of every day life. As she put it make sure there isn't a lot of "baggage" going back with you as well. So she gave me some tasks:
1) Take time for yourself. Grieve. Reflect. Think. Whatever. I have done that. I am trying to do that more often and regularly. Another lesson from all of this is to remember time for me.
2) Do something with your time that give you a sense of accomplishment. Positive endorphines help in the physical and emotional healing process. In other words, there are/were times for laying in bed watching 10 episodes of Grey's straight, but I couldn't do that forever.
So, I have two projects that are helping me quite a bit.
The first is to exercise every day. For two reasons. I can't wear maternity clothes forever and a miscarriage does this real cruel thing of leaving extra weight on your body that isn't as easy to get rid of as when you breastfeed. I also find that after I exercise, I feel so much better the rest of the day. The load on my heart is lightened just a bit and I can enjoy time with Matthew and have the energy to get the laundry done. I am on day 4 of exercising and it is working, so I will stick with it come hell or high water!
Second, I'm organizing. I don't know what the word or disesase is for a person like me, but I feel like the universe is lined up when things are organized. That certainly doesn't mean I'm good at keeping things organized. But, with each trick I learn, it gets easier and better. For some reason, the sense of accomplishment I feel after getting the pantry straightened out or filing our papers also makes my day go so much better.
So that's pretty much what I'm up to. M is becoming a very good organizer too... except while I'm organizing in one place, he's usually re-organizing something else for me at the same time :O)
Thursday, October 15, 2009
Healing.....Missing You
Most days I think I'm better. I'm going about the things that I do and going on with life. Then there are days like today. I had to go see my doctor for the first time after and all of a sudden out it all came.
It still hurts so much. But I still firmly believe that our little baby went straight to heaven and we'll meet her one day.
Today is the National Day of Rememberance for Infant Loss and Miscarriage. I never even knew there was such a day. Now I feel a bit more like I have to carry a banner for all those women who've lost babies early and later on. I feel for all of them because I never knew it could hurt as much as it does, even when we only knew she existed for 2 months.
I found comfort today reading the comments at Bring the Rain. There are so so many women who have to write the same story as me. It's not fair, but life isn't fair. I take comfort to know there are those who were able to move on and who confirm that they never forget. That might be one of my biggest wonders is that I'll forget some day. But I know I won't.
I wouldn't have thought twice about it before, but I'm sure there is someone out there you know who misses their baby somewhere. Say a prayer for them today.
"Missed you before I met you..."
It still hurts so much. But I still firmly believe that our little baby went straight to heaven and we'll meet her one day.
Today is the National Day of Rememberance for Infant Loss and Miscarriage. I never even knew there was such a day. Now I feel a bit more like I have to carry a banner for all those women who've lost babies early and later on. I feel for all of them because I never knew it could hurt as much as it does, even when we only knew she existed for 2 months.
I found comfort today reading the comments at Bring the Rain. There are so so many women who have to write the same story as me. It's not fair, but life isn't fair. I take comfort to know there are those who were able to move on and who confirm that they never forget. That might be one of my biggest wonders is that I'll forget some day. But I know I won't.
I wouldn't have thought twice about it before, but I'm sure there is someone out there you know who misses their baby somewhere. Say a prayer for them today.
"Missed you before I met you..."
Saturday, October 10, 2009
Thankful
Happy Thanksgiving everyone!
I am doing better. I still have my moments, but I'm sure I will for a while. However much I am still grieving, I have a lot to be thankful for and I hope you do too.
I am thankful for my wonderful husband. This experience has only brought us closer and stonger as a couple.
I am thankful for my wonderful little boy who is the light of our lives.
I am thankful that I have a good job and an understanding company who will allow me the time to get through this and get back on my feet.
I am thankful for the support of my family and my friends. I am thankful that this experience has reconnected me to friends that I hadn't spoken with in years.
I am thankful that there is still hope.
Have a wonderful (hopefully not too snowy) day with your loved ones tomorrow :o)
I am doing better. I still have my moments, but I'm sure I will for a while. However much I am still grieving, I have a lot to be thankful for and I hope you do too.
I am thankful for my wonderful husband. This experience has only brought us closer and stonger as a couple.
I am thankful for my wonderful little boy who is the light of our lives.
I am thankful that I have a good job and an understanding company who will allow me the time to get through this and get back on my feet.
I am thankful for the support of my family and my friends. I am thankful that this experience has reconnected me to friends that I hadn't spoken with in years.
I am thankful that there is still hope.
Have a wonderful (hopefully not too snowy) day with your loved ones tomorrow :o)
Thursday, October 8, 2009
Knowing Me, Knowing You - October Edition
ok, my blog needs some lightening up - Thanks Shan for providing an opportunity. For more Knowing Me, Knowing you - visit Shan over at the Fairy Blogmother
1. Crunchy peanut butter or smooth?
Crunchy. But I'm the only one in the family who likes it, so I always give in and buy smooth.... unless I buy a little jar just for me!
2. Do you do any volunteer work? (No judgment, just curious. I'm always on the look out for new ways to get involved.... like I have time for more stuff.)
I really wish I did more, but I do very little. I use having the 2 year old as an excuse, but it's probably not a very good one.
3. What's your favourite cold weather drink?
Warm Tea
4. What is your favourite holiday?
Thanksgiving. I love fall. I love the colours, I love the big harvest moons and I love harvesting all of the goodies that I've worked hard all summer to grow.
5. Okay quick - you gotta hop a plane right now, to anywhere with anyone - where do you go and with who?
I'm taking hubby and we're going to the smallest deserted island I can find that has those hotel rooms that are right over the water and crystal clear water and white sand and NO SNOW!
1. Crunchy peanut butter or smooth?
Crunchy. But I'm the only one in the family who likes it, so I always give in and buy smooth.... unless I buy a little jar just for me!
2. Do you do any volunteer work? (No judgment, just curious. I'm always on the look out for new ways to get involved.... like I have time for more stuff.)
I really wish I did more, but I do very little. I use having the 2 year old as an excuse, but it's probably not a very good one.
3. What's your favourite cold weather drink?
Warm Tea
4. What is your favourite holiday?
Thanksgiving. I love fall. I love the colours, I love the big harvest moons and I love harvesting all of the goodies that I've worked hard all summer to grow.
5. Okay quick - you gotta hop a plane right now, to anywhere with anyone - where do you go and with who?
I'm taking hubby and we're going to the smallest deserted island I can find that has those hotel rooms that are right over the water and crystal clear water and white sand and NO SNOW!
Thank-You
I no longer feel the need to spontaneously start crying, but I still feel just a dark weight on my heart. I know, it just takes time.
Thank-you ~
To all my friends & family, near and far who have written, phoned, sent flowers, brought supper, taken Matthew and I for walks... every one of you have made such a huge difference to me. Thank-you for caring so much. Your thoughts and support have been a band-aid over the broken pieces. They have helped my healing more than you realize. Not to be cliched, but you really have raised me up.
Love,
Erin
Thank-you ~
To all my friends & family, near and far who have written, phoned, sent flowers, brought supper, taken Matthew and I for walks... every one of you have made such a huge difference to me. Thank-you for caring so much. Your thoughts and support have been a band-aid over the broken pieces. They have helped my healing more than you realize. Not to be cliched, but you really have raised me up.
Love,
Erin
Sunday, October 4, 2009
Healing
There is something so powerful about music, that can help to heal your soul.
If you know me well, you know that Josh Groban is my most favourite artist, well ever.
"To where you are" was the first time I ever heard his voice. I still remember the place - in a parking lot of the furniture store and I wondered who had that gorgeous voice.
This song helped the hurt when my Grandpa died some years ago. I hadn't thought of it until tonight.
Thank goodness for music.. it helps.
If you know me well, you know that Josh Groban is my most favourite artist, well ever.
"To where you are" was the first time I ever heard his voice. I still remember the place - in a parking lot of the furniture store and I wondered who had that gorgeous voice.
This song helped the hurt when my Grandpa died some years ago. I hadn't thought of it until tonight.
Thank goodness for music.. it helps.
Healing
I didn't write this poem, but it was in one of the pamphlets that they gave us at the hospital about miscarriage. Most of the information just went in one ear and out the other, but this stuck with me and I know I'll refer back to it whenever I'm having a bad day.
I wonder, oh I wonder,
where the little faces go.
That come and smile and stay awhile,
and pass like flakes of snow.
The dear, wee baby faces that
the world has never known.
But mothers hide, so tender-eyed
deep in their hearts alone.
I love to think that somewhere,
in the country we call heaven,
the land most fair of anywhere,
will unto them be given.
I wonder, oh I wonder,
where the little faces go.
That come and smile and stay awhile,
and pass like flakes of snow.
The dear, wee baby faces that
the world has never known.
But mothers hide, so tender-eyed
deep in their hearts alone.
I love to think that somewhere,
in the country we call heaven,
the land most fair of anywhere,
will unto them be given.
Healing
I guess I could say I'm feeling a bit better, physically anyway. The hard part is trying to get back to the real world. I can't hide under the covers forever. I need to start doing everyday things again. I bathed M last night and we had a ball, giggling and laughing. We made rain showers and splashed water everywhere. Normally, I would have stopped it long before as it was soaking our entire bathroom, but last night I didn't care. I needed those few minutes where everything else was forgotten and all we felt was pure joy. I no longer feel the need to cry at ever single instance that reminds me of being pregnant, but I walk along feeling like I have a rock in my stomach. Something at the pit of my stomach that won't go away.
It's almost like I've convinced myself that I never was pregnant, that it was a dream or something. Is that your body's way of trying to protect you or something? It's literally been 2 days and already I'm almost fitting back into regular clothes. Something that took weeks to get out of, reverts almost instantly. The belly is gone and I no longer look like I'm pregnant.
It will get better, I know it will. But everyone thinks time will just go on and I'll forget about it and get pregnant with another baby. That's not fair. They don't know that it was a life that we created that is gone. I need to honor that life. I know how and we will when the time comes and that will help us both to heal and have closure and move on but never forget the little butterfly baby that we lost.
In the hospital, I said a prayer with the chaplain and made sure that the little soul had made its way to heaven which I'm pretty sure angel babies instantly do. I know her little soul is safe with God. And I know God will help me to heal too.
It's almost like I've convinced myself that I never was pregnant, that it was a dream or something. Is that your body's way of trying to protect you or something? It's literally been 2 days and already I'm almost fitting back into regular clothes. Something that took weeks to get out of, reverts almost instantly. The belly is gone and I no longer look like I'm pregnant.
It will get better, I know it will. But everyone thinks time will just go on and I'll forget about it and get pregnant with another baby. That's not fair. They don't know that it was a life that we created that is gone. I need to honor that life. I know how and we will when the time comes and that will help us both to heal and have closure and move on but never forget the little butterfly baby that we lost.
In the hospital, I said a prayer with the chaplain and made sure that the little soul had made its way to heaven which I'm pretty sure angel babies instantly do. I know her little soul is safe with God. And I know God will help me to heal too.
Friday, October 2, 2009
Healing
I haven't written for a long time, I can't believe it's been 3 months. Summer just flew by and it never seemed like I made time to write. I have so much to tell and say but for the next while, I need to use my blog for me. I hope you don't mind. You are all so welcome to read it too, but please know I am writing these words for me. They won't come out perfect and polished, but they will help me to get through this.
Earlier this week we were excited to announce that we were expecting a new addition next spring. But yesterday we found out it wasn't meant to be. Our little angel just didn'r have what it needed to be able to make it to the outside world, so God decided to take her (I think it was a girl, but I don't know) back with him to heaven so that we could have a little guardian angel watching over us.
I have known people who have had miscarriages before and while I've felt for them, I don't think I've ever realized how much pain losing a baby, even as small as she was can cause. I hate thinking that it was only a little fetus. It was a baby. It did have a heart that beat and it did have hands and feet and I saw it's little body on the screen.
My heart hurts so much right now. I know that in time it will get better, I know that in time we will hopefully get pregnant again, but it doesn't help the hurt to go away.
Earlier this week we were excited to announce that we were expecting a new addition next spring. But yesterday we found out it wasn't meant to be. Our little angel just didn'r have what it needed to be able to make it to the outside world, so God decided to take her (I think it was a girl, but I don't know) back with him to heaven so that we could have a little guardian angel watching over us.
I have known people who have had miscarriages before and while I've felt for them, I don't think I've ever realized how much pain losing a baby, even as small as she was can cause. I hate thinking that it was only a little fetus. It was a baby. It did have a heart that beat and it did have hands and feet and I saw it's little body on the screen.
My heart hurts so much right now. I know that in time it will get better, I know that in time we will hopefully get pregnant again, but it doesn't help the hurt to go away.
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